TUESDAY- Salkind

A state-of-the-art de-humidification and ventilation and vape dispensing system set to cost around thirty million dollars has been announced today, to be located in the Salkind Center gym. “We’ve decided that we prefer you to do it in the house, where we know that what you’re using is safe,” the Urban Board of Trustees said in a recent statement.

The new system reportedly includes Urban branded flavours such as Flick Cookie, Enlighten-Hit and NewBluesberry, a vape given to revisiting 8th graders in a congratulatory goodie bag. The vape station reportedly includes stalls for ripping it alone and larger ones for “puff puff passing”.

“Carts, e-cigarettes, and phat blunts will also be allowed,” the board said, priding themselves on their new and sensitive approach to drug use. “Just don’t let mom know where you got em,” the board said with an exaggerated wink.

The administration has assured students the bathrooms would still smell like what some nicotine exec thought would sell best with twelve year olds. “The Station will vent directly into all of the gender neutral bathrooms,” the board said. “We know that second hand high is all that’s keeping most of you going at this point.”

However, some members of the Urban Community feel the vape station doesn't fully address their needs. “Okay, so the vapers get an entire gym but us romantics are still stuck in the gender neutral bathrooms?” one student said. “You’re telling me some freshman gets to puff it in luxury while me and my girl still gotta hook up on the linoleum with the automatic toilet flushing?”

The Sasquatch has obtained records that show the administration was at one point considering a “makeout lounge”, but decided against it due to concerns of “Cooties and excessive face slurpery.”

Urban is not alone in its decision to institute such a station: University has reportedly installed state of the art Zynn dispensers in every bathroom to prepare their students for the world of finance. Not to be outdone, Saint-Ignatius has placed oxycontin vending machines throughout their school. One official commented, “We heard religion is the opiate of the masses so we kind of just decided to take that and run with it.”